Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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