If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
