dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
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We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
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Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
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