Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Randomize
