I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Randomize
