'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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