Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
