So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
it wasn't lemon gatorade
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Randomize
