life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
i came on her dog
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
