Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
