Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize