I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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