The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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