I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
