i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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