I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
