I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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