Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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