Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay