The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
try this...when you orgasm scream his address including city state and zip...
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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