dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
COCAINE IS GR8
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
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