we need to drink 2009 down the drain
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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