Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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