Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
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