The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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