We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
