So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
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Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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