Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Randomize
