he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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