Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Randomize
