I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
