He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
