First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
