when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Randomize
