she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Randomize
