I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
