dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
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