Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
