Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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