I hope mine doesn't look like that
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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