Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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