I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
