Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
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