The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
