I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
