Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
