apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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