just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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