Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
