so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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