hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
