Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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