Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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