Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
