I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
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