You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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