I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Randomize
